The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
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My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
These aliens are taking forever.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!