Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
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My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Mountain Goat : )
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”