In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
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The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Grandmother clock.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
She was rare, like a goth jogging
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
spot the difference
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?