Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
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*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Would you wear it?
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster