Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
You Might Also Like
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
welp
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
no
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.