I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
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Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
How do you like your Corgi?
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Two types of dogs.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees