Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
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Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.