New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
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Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again