Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
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Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets