Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
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I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
some cats are just doing for fun!
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t