Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
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In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys