Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
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*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
ok so iโm watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. ๐๐ญ
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Lied on my rรฉsumรฉ and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Japanโs theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. โPlease scream inside your heart.โ
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
โ ๐ง๐ต๐ถ๐ ๐๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ถ๐ ๐น๐ผ๐๐ ๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฒ๐ฎ
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
My insurance guys slogan is Iโm Zach and Iโve got your back… good thing his name wasnโt Rick
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. ๐
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, โI just canโt.โ
Me, โItโs tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.โCoronavirus: LOL.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.