What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
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I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I don鈥檛 do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Lmao the reply
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 馃槀
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I don鈥檛 understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?