My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
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I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.