[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
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I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.