“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
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[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear