British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
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Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
water it, i dare you
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Discuss
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping