I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
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Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.