I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
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I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
What if all the cashiers are married?
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
The pasta is now
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured