Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
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Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.