The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
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Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.