Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
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They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.