Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
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Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it