[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
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CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.