Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
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Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Okay, I’m still confused…
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing