Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
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I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Sniffing the broccoli
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home