I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
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Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Based Erika
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.