Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
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ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Born to be mild.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.