Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
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When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”