Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
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Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
☠️☠️☠️
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop