Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
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*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
The struggle is real.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.