When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
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My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.