I get distracted pretty eas
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Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?