Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
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Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.