Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
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I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Never let them know your next move 😂
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes