I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
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Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.