“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
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I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings