Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
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Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.