Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
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when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
This made me chuckle.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
All set.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
How to shape your eyebrows
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