sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
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A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.