I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
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I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders