Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God