I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
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Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.