My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
You Might Also Like
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying