You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
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I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
blocked.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.