Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
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why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.