In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
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What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*