Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
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If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.