Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
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10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.