My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
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riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.